My little baby is not so little anymore
Updated: Jun 29, 2020
I am known for crying due to the most stupid reasons. I cried on MIB 3.
Y U P.
I always weep when I see a cute ad on tv. I get emotional when I remember something that warms my heart. Needless to say that I eventually cry for actual good (and bad) reasons as well.
There is one specific ad that made me burst into tears a while ago. It was a diaper commercial that portrayed this newborn – maybe a couple of days old – resting on his mom’s (at least that is who we think she is) chest. I was pregnant when I saw that advertisement for the first time. I went full emotional thinking about my baby. Unfortunately, it was about a week before I had my first miscarriage.
After the shitstorm, that commercial would come along all the time when I was watching tv and I could not control my tears just thinking about my little baby girl who I never got to meet. I had another miscarriage a couple of months later and the commercial was still airing. Whenever it came on I'd switch channels in a desperate attempt not to contemplate the vision I once had. Finally, the ad was discontinued.
Fast-forward 18 months. I’m pregnant again and this time everything is ok. The ad returned to primetime filling our screen with images that once made me weep nonstop. I would rub my belly and shed a few tears thinking that this time I might actually experience a moment such as the one the ad portrayed so delicately.
Ziggy was born months later. I swear for his first 4 weeks I felt I was actually living that ad 24/7. I’d be in his nursery doing some skin to skin, or nursing him, or rocking on a chair, and out of nothing I’d sob. I tried not to do it in fear of waking him up or even making him scared. But he was chill. Guess he knew all those tears were made of pure true love. As you mommas might know, I didn’t have lots of free time to watch tv… but whenever I would catch that commercial I’d take a deep breath and grin, looking at my baby and thinking “he is here”.
Now my little baby is still a baby but not that little. He is crawling around, eating his broccoli, and learning how to call me mama. Whenever I try to hold him in my arms for long he tries to break away and craw somewhere, or grab a toy, or just purely complain because he is bored. So the commercial is back on tv and my reaction surprised me. Here I am, crying again. This time I’m crying because I look at that little baby and remember those crazy fulfilling beautiful chaotic unique times we had together when I would count his days of life instead of weeks or months or years.
Crazy thing about life - No matter how much you enjoy every second of motherhood, it always seems like we haven’t enjoyed enough. I know I have. But… Am I allowed to miss him at that stage? I guess I am.
Whenever I feel like that I make sure I am enjoying every second of this phase so I will know I did appreciate all the moments we had.
(Written on Jan 2020, when Ziggy was 7 months old)